The world has opened up a lot when it comes to dating, and one of the previously fringe ideas of dating, non-exclusive dating, is becoming more common nowadays.
In this article, you will discover the meaning of this term beyond its self-evident implications.
You will also find out whether it is right for you and how it differs from committed relationships. By the end of this post, you will know everything you need to know about non-exclusive dating, relationships, and couples.
Non-Exclusive Dating: Meaning and Implications
Non-exclusive dating refers to the initial stage of dating where neither party has committed to exclusivity. In the 90s and early 2000s, exclusivity was implied by the third date, which is where the “three date” rule comes from.
Nowadays, you need to assume that dating is non-exclusive until both partners profess that they are making things exclusive. Some people might assume exclusivity prematurely based on how affectionate their partner is. This can lead to heartbreak, especially if the person they are dating doesn’t understand how their gestures of affection are being perceived.
Non-exclusive dating shouldn’t be confused with polyamorous relationships. Polyamorous relationships are committed relationships without sexual exclusivity. Non-exclusive dating is dating without commitment. Someone can be dating five people non-exclusively while not having sex with even a single one.
On the other hand, a polyamorous couple might be committed to each other exclusively while having sex with fifteen people. Non-exclusive dating used to be a fringe idea but is now the norm. Polyamory remains an off-center idea that doesn’t have mainstream acceptance.
So when you look at non-exclusive dating, you should not compare it to monogamous couples. Instead, you should compare it with committed couples. Non-exclusive dating is the opposite of committed dating.
Differences Between Non-Exclusive And Committed Relationships
Having established that non-exclusive dating is the opposite of committed relationships, let’s explore how the two differ more specifically. These differences might inform your dating choices and expectations.
Non-Exclusive Dating Happens In The Beginning, While Committed Relationships Are The End-Goal
Exceptions exist to this rule, but for most people, dating is a means of finding the person they can spend the most time with and eventually commit to. Dating can be accidentally exclusive right from the get-go but is initially not meant to be exclusive. Committed relationships are the conclusion of most non-exclusive dating.
Non-exclusive dating implies the presence of other options. A committed relationship signals the end of looking elsewhere.
Non-exclusive dating shouldn’t be seen as any partner “not being enough.” It is simply a stage where the individuals are looking for their most compatible match. Just like you don’t marry someone on the first date, you don’t commit to exclusivity on the first date.
But eventually, you expect the person you’re dating to decide that you’re not the right fit or stop looking elsewhere. A commitment is an indication that they’ve decided that you’re the one they want to be exclusive with.
Non-Exclusive Dating Isn’t Spelled Out, While Commitment Has To Be Declared
Finally, one of the major difference-making differences between these two stages is the explicit declaration. The first date is never exclusive, yet neither party says, “I am seeing other people.” That’s because no one expects two individuals to be exclusive on the first date.
Non-exclusive dating is a mouthful, which further discourages its use. “Seeing” is often used as a shorthand for “non-exclusive dating.” When you’re seeing someone, you don’t have to tell them that you are non-exclusive, but when you commit to them, you have to express it. This ensures that they, too, know that they’re expected to be exclusive.
Pros Of Non-Exclusive Dating
The advantages of non-exclusive dating have to do with the convenience and lower risk that come with not demanding commitment. Here are the tangible upsides to non-exclusive dating.
In a non-exclusive relationship, there is no pressure to commit. That allows you to avoid getting too invested in a relationship too early. Since nothing is rushed or forced, the commitment that eventually comes is more organic. Without the pressure of commitment, you don’t have to judge someone based on unrealistic expectations.
An extreme example would illustrate this perfectly. Let’s suppose you were supposed to decide you wanted to marry someone on your first date. How much higher would your expectations be? It will always be safer to say “no” when you have to decide whether to commit or bail on the first date. Dating the same person non-exclusively could have led to marriage. But you wouldn’t know if the pressure to commit is too high.
As mentioned earlier, it is safer to say “no” when the pressure to commit is too high. But this “no” isn’t easy just for you. It is safe for others too. That’s why you will be disappointed when you ask people for exclusivity on the second date.
Very few people would be willing to commit on the first date. But if you’re dating non-exclusively, the stakes aren’t too high, and even people with mild interest will be willing to go out. You have a broader shot at finding someone to commit to if you’re willing to be non-exclusive when dating. That doesn’t mean you have to have sex with multiple people. Having sex before or after commitment is up to you, and both modes are equally acceptable.
The fear of missing out on something better when you commit too early can ruin a relationship. “The grass is greener on the other side,” goes the saying that highlights how human psychology works. Since we are more inclined to believe that there is something better out there, the quicker we commit, the more likely we are to believe that we have settled.
In non-exclusive dating, there is no fear of missing out. When you choose to commit, it is with the certainty that the person you choose is the best one.
Cons Of Non-Exclusive Dating
All the drawbacks of not committing are also the drawbacks of non-exclusive dating. In this section, we will explore these downsides in detail.
Different Timelines Of Commitment
If you and your potential partner decide to date non-exclusively, you don’t know if there will be any commitment down the line. By the time you decide you want to make things exclusive with them, they might find someone they like better. The opposite can happen too. If commitment is what you want, kicking the can down the road might not be the best path to it.
Jealousy and Drama
Mature adults can handle non-exclusive dating, but not everyone you date non-exclusively will be a mature adult about it. The chances of jealousy, drama, and even stalking are higher during the non-exclusive dating period. But on the flip side, that might be the reason you should not date exclusively. The drama is the drawback, but the insecurity it exposes can save you from future drama.
Should I Discuss Exclusivity On The First Date?
You can discuss exclusivity on the first date, though it might come off as too forward. Generally, it is better to wait for the third date to discuss exclusivity and commitment. Even then, positioning it as an ultimatum can turn off the other party.
Non-exclusive dating is the period in dating where neither party has committed to exclusivity. It is often confused with polyamory, which is a way of life as opposed to a phase.
At this point, you should know that the first date is non-exclusive. But you can demand exclusivity from the second date onward, though that will limit the number of people wanting to go on the second date.
On the flip side, you can continue dating non-exclusively for years, and that will expand your options.
Non-exclusive dating can last from one to three dates on average, but even after that, you cannot assume exclusivity until it is declared. Only when you and your partner agree to make things exclusive can you expect them to keep things exclusive.